ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Herman's blog

Motherfucking Blog

This is a motherfucking blog.

And it's fucking perfect.

Seriously, what the fuck else do you want?

You probably have a fucking Wordpress theme slapped together by some designer using Adobe XD with some heavy-as-fuck carousel library just so you can have some testimonials at 5mb a pop. Your think your images are fucking beautiful, lazy-loaded in from a CDN, and giving people a stiffy, instead of creating a distorted image until they scroll past, intending to figure out what the picture is later. Wrong motherfucker. Let me describe the perfect-ass blog:

  • Shit's lightweight and loads fast
  • The content fits on all devices and screen types
  • Looks the same in shitty browsers
  • The motherfucker's accessible to every asshole that visits your site
  • Shit's legible and gets your point across (if you had one instead of a picture of your breakfast under the title containing the words digitalnomad #bali)

Well guess what motherfucker?

You are over-designing. Look at this shit. It's a motherfucking blog. Why the fuck do you need to have a single-page app server-side render your writeup of 10 best coffee shops in Cape Town, just so it can show up on Google? You spent hours on figuring out how the fuck webpack works, then stuck every single shitty npm package in there just so content magically slides in from the side of the screen while people scroll down, not even noticing. Not to mention blind people will never see that shit, but they don't see any of your shitty shit.

This is your perfect blog. Here's why:

It's fucking light-weight

Each page weighs less than the colourful instagram logo on your fucking JAMStack single-page monstrosity. Did you seriously just load 900kb of animate library so you could underline a fucking link when hovered? You loaded in 5 different font-faces so that your "above the fold" could tell everyone your name and that you are a "Digital Artisan"? You piece of shit.

It's responsive

You dumbass. You thought media-queries were responsive, but no. Responsive means it responds to whatever motherfucking screen size it's on. I don't care if you're reading this on your tablet or a motherfucking microwave oven display.

It has some breathing room

This page has a line-width so reading it on your big-ass 4K LED CRYSAL 4000XDC screen doesn't give you fucking whiplash. There's a subtle increase in distance between the lines so it's like a book, you know, those things we fucking read out of.

Yes, this is satire, you fuck

It's really easy to have a blog that people can read. The fact that so many browsers have added a "Reader view" goes to show how badly we've fucked websites for written content.

Pages need to be quick as fuck, or else fuck you.

  • Leonardo Da Vinci

Epilogue

This post is inspired by the awesome motherfuckingwebsite.com. Check it out, and check out txti. To make a minimal blog like this one, check out ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Bear.

#bearblog

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